Definition of Insanity

I've seen this quote a few times, "What is the definition of insanity? It is trying to do the same thing the same way over and over again expecting different results."

This really resonates with me. How often do I approach something the same way over and over expecting that this time things will go the way I want? The answer is a lot. I got to thinking about how tough our mornings have been with our son Caleb for quite awhile now. His dad goes up, wakes him and grabs his school clothes. He brings the clothes down to the living room so Caleb can watch TV while he gets dressed. That's where we run in to trouble. Caleb has to be nagged and finally yelled at to get off the couch and start getting dressed. Sometimes resulting in them running late in the morning because Caleb is not cooperating. Twice in the last week, his dad even forgot to give Caleb his meds for his ADHD, because they were running late with all the fighting to get Caleb to even get dressed. During all this, I am finishing getting myself ready and getting the twins up and ready for daycare. All in all, the mornings have been stressful for quite some time. Thing is, we kept expecting Caleb to just do better each morning. It should have been obvious that we needed to change the routine, but we kept going at it the same way. Finally, Robert & I had a talk Monday night about changing things up. I told him he should make Caleb get dressed up in his room and he is not to come down until he is dressed. Also, to take the kitchen timer up and tell Caleb he has to be dressed within the 10 minutes on the timer. So, we tried it on Tuesday morning and it has worked so well! He is now racing to get dressed in 3 minutes or less and he is so proud of himself when he gets downstairs. The last 3 mornings have been night and day different for us. Gone is the fighting and frustration. Instead, we find we have more time in the morning and the tension is gone. It's amazing what that one fairly small change did. Caleb is much happier in the mornings now and I know that has to help start his day out right. I know there will still be mornings where we have issues, but I am so glad we found something that is working.

I remembered back to when we were taking Caleb to a counselor to get him diagnosed with ADHD. He told us that kids with ADHD need routines and they need clearly set boundaries. I'm really greatful this came back to me and that it seems to be helping my son. I love to see him smiling and happy.

Wake-Up Call

So it's been a long time since I've written a blog. To be honest, I haven't felt like I had anything interesting to write and I was feeling discouraged that no one would ever find me interesting enough to read about. I think I'm realizing now that this blog is for me. I just need somewhere I can be completely honest and not worry about any consequences.

So, I got called into my boss's office the week before Christmas and endured a very difficult meeting that I was very ashamed of. I was told that my attitude has declined towards my job so much, that if not corrected, I could be let go. My job performance is still very good, but it is obvious how much I detest my job. I couldn't deny it or get defensive, because I knew it was true. I have been in this funk about my job for at least a year and have been unable to make heads or tails as to why. If I'm being honest, it's really been since I returned to work after the twins were born. I don't like my job, that is not a lie. I'm tired of it, tired of customer service. I need something new, something challenging. It's more than that though. I feel trapped. I resent the fact that I have to work full time while I pay someone else to watch my kids. I feel like I am missing out on so much in my little boys' lives. I don't see how it will ever be an option to not work full time and my little men are already 2. I have freinds who are fortunate enough to get to stay home with their kids. I am so jealous of that. I know that they make sacrifices to do that, but I feel those sacrifices must be so much more worth it compared to my sacrifice of working full time, to still not make ends meet. That's right, my hubby & I both work full time and we still don't have enough to pay our bills. We have pretty much struggled financially for our entire marriage and I am so over it. I can't help but feel like it is never going to get better. So, what to do? How do I change my attitude about my job? I think about trying to move to another department, trying something new, but will that really work? Will I just end up back in this funk? I hate that I feel this way and hate more that I don't know how to fix it. Mostly I hate that I seem to have lost hope.

Oh, the guilt

It all started last Thursday when I left work early to take the twins to their checkup at the doctor. They were sleeping when I got to daycare to pick them up because she forgot about the appointment. They were less than thrilled to be woken up - to go to the doctor no less. I got Jonah out of the car first and put him on the floor of the van on Josh's side while I got Josh out of his seat. Well, Jonah toppled out and I tried to catch him with my leg (why I thought that would help, I have no idea) and I managed to hit his face up against the side of the van. He ended up with this awful looking skin burn/bruise right under his left eye. Needless to say, he screamed. Both boys cried throughout the visit at the doctor and wanted nothing to do with the doctor himself. Fast-forward to the next morning. Jonah woke me up at 6am screaming. I walked in and found Thursday night's dinner regurgitated all over his bed. His dinner had been scrambled eggs. You get the picture. After dicussing with Robert, we determined I would stay home with him. An hour later, he barfed again. Then I decided to feed Josh some breakfast. He ate his entire banana and proceeded to throw that up all over his highchair. So, both twins were apparently sick. Fast-forward to Saturday afternoon. We were invited to a cookout by our next door neighbor. He wanted a get-to-know your neighbors gathering. We just moved in in February and hadn't met very many of our neighbors. We barely walked across our driveway and Jonah ran right up to his charcoal grill. Despite the fact that at least 4 grown-ups screamed and tried to grab him, he was just too fast. He grabbed it and immediately let go. I grabbed him, ran him inside and ran cold water on his hands. He was laughing at the way the water felt. As soon as his hands were out from the water he started screaming bloody murder. I had to put him down because he was thrashing so much and then I had to corner him in his bedroom. I gave him a cold wet washcloth and put some aloe on his hands. It was sooo sad how hard he cried. So, any chance of a mother of the year award was lost this weekend. My poor little guy is a hot mess.

Seven Years Ago

A day I will always remember as being one of the longest of my life. This was the day I went to the hospital at 8am and had my labor induced. I couldn't wait to meet my baby boy and become a mommy for the first time.

I will always remember the day I found out I was pregnant and the reactions of our family and friends. It was such happy news. Robert & I had just gotten through a rocky first year of marriage after which we had separated for two months. We were able to work things out and started trying to repair our relationship. Two months later, we found out we were pregnant!

At the time, I was working full time as a Store Manager at Hollywood Video. It was tough when morning sickness hit. I recall one morning walking up to the front door to unlock the store for a line of customers and I had to stop, turn around, and run for the toilet to throw up. Unfortunately, the bathroom was at the back of the store. I threw up all over the door and the handle before I could get in. I got some pretty strange looks from the customers when I finally let them in.

Things trucked along. At our first doctor's appointment, the doctor could not find the heartbeat. He said he was sure things were fine, but we would go ahead and do an ultrasound to make sure. He told me sometimes with multiple births, sometimes it is hard to find the heartbeat. But he wasn't saying this was necessarily the case. I remember how freaked out Robert and I were. We were terrified at the thought of twins!! The next day we had the ultrasound and it was confirmed that there was only one baby and he (though we didn't know the sex at the time) was perfectly healthy.

At 20 weeks we had our ultrasound and we found out it was a boy! After some debate, we decided on the name Caleb. It's a name I have always loved. Then, the Friday before Easter, our Caleb gave us a big scare. I was sitting in the office at work counting down registers when I felt my underwear get very wet. (sorry for the TMI) I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding very heavily. I FREAKED out. I was 7 months pregnant! I drove like a madwoman to the hospital and was immediately ushered up to Labor & Delivery. Robert was on his way home from a show he had ref'd at. I called him and told him what was happening. They hooked me up to monitors and reassured me that Caleb was doing fine, but I was having contractions (though I couldn't feel them). They managed to stop the contractions and the bleeding slowed down and eventually stopped. I was reassured that Caleb was perfectly fine.

After that, I went to get non-stress tests every week along with my check-ups. I was releived that my doctor was watching Caleb so closely. With those tests, they took my blood pressure. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure started to climb. My doctor decided to induce labor 2 days before my due date on, June 8, 2004.

I slept for maybe an hour the night before. The anticipation was killing me. Once we were up in the room and I was changed into the lovely hospital gown, the doctor came in and proceeded to break my water. That was a traumatic experience. Thus began a ridiculously long day of waiting for my body to go into labor. I had to walk around the maternity floor all the while feeling like I was peeing my pants and dragging my IV pole with me for the pitocin. My in-laws showed up and then my dad, even though we had told them nothing was happening yet. Finally at 4:30 that afternoon, I started to feel the contractions. I would like to say I handled them well, but I did not. I broke after about 4 hours of hard labor and really lost my concentration and was a sobbing mess. I went for the epidural, as I was only at 2+ and barely progressing. Once I had the epidural, I drifted off to sleep. That was around 9pm. I woke sometime around 11 and felt like I need to push. The nurse checked me and it was time!! I pushed for 40 minutes until he finally graced us with his presence. He was the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. I will never forget what it was like to hold him the first time, to touch him. It's so amazing to know that God gave us this amazing little person. He was 7lbs, 9oz and 21 1/2 inches long. Now he weighs 47 pounds and is 49 inches long!! My tall stringbean. Happy Birthday to my Caleb. (in about 8 hours)

Blessed

It would be so incredibly easy to get on this blog and complain about all the things that drive me crazy. It is so easy to forget how fortunate I am. The number one thing is my kids. I look at all the things that could have gone wrong when I was pregnant or during my deliveries and I'm amazed that I have three perfect, healthy boys. It floors me sometimes, the depth of my love for them and my joy that they are the little men that they are.

Caleb is our first born. His 7th Birthday is looming next week and I can't believe how the time has flown. He is just finishing up first grade as well. He was born at a rocky time in our marriage and I think he is what kept us together and ultimately brought us back together when we nearly divorced. He is an amazing kid. Not only is he a very good looking kid with his light brown hair and blue eyes, he is so smart. We always get comments on his large vocabulary and how he talks like he is much older than he is. He is also a very good artist, which hubby & I scratch our heads at, since neither of us has a creative bone in our bodies. 

Josh & Jonah are our twins. They are 18 months old and at such a fun age. People ask all the time if they have different personalities, like which one is the good one and which is the bad one. These kind of questions baffle me. They are both good boys and the both get in to mischief. I do not prefer one over the other. They are both my kids!! They are definitely individuals and are really developing interesting littel quirks. I love this age so much and wish I could enjoy them being small for a long time.

Whenever I start to feel down I remember all the people who can't have kids or have lost their babies. My heart hurts for all of them. I can only say that it makes me realize how blessed we truly are.

The dumb comments people make about twins

I admit I was one of those people who thought it must be interesting to have twins. Twins do run in my family, so I always knew it was a possibilty. It was a whole different story when I got prenant with my first son. I was so relieved when we went in for the ultrasound and there was only 1 baby!

Fast-forward 5 years and we found ourselves in a very different position. Identical twin boys!! More on that some other time. What I wasn't prepared for were all the comments you have to endure as a mom of multiples. I'm not talking about the constant "are they twins" or the constant "are they both boys?" I actually had a cashier at the grocery store sneer at me, "they look awful close in age". All I could say was, "yep, 6 minutes apart." I'm not sure what she was implying.

It's amazing how many time people ask if twins run in my family. The short answer is yes, but the truth is, identical twins are not genetically passed down. Fraternal twins are and my mom is one (she has a twin brother). Identical twins, for those who don't know, come from 1 egg that splits. Fraternal twins occur when 2 eggs are fertilized instead of one. Identical twins are, you guessed it, identical and can't be boy/girl. They can only be of the same sex.

But I digress, the point is the sheer amount of people that ask the same, sometimes private questions. What does it matter to you if I took fertility drugs or not (I didn't). Why would you care if I had a c-section or vaginally (the latter). Why would you care if I had drugs during labor ( I didn't). Why would you ask if we are done having kids? (still unsure)

Also, what is the point of making comments like "Better you than me," or "Boy you have your hands full." I guess those comments weren't so bad until I heard them up to 10 times when I took my kids to the grocery store. and what do you say to a stranger when they come uo and tell you their gret nephew's mom's cousin's daughter has twins? Because I have twins, I should care?! All the while one baby is screaming because he wants out of the cart and the other one is throwing items out of the cart and all over the floor. Seriously!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my twins. I love that they get attention. Sometimes it would be nice to not feel like I have to entertain complete strangers with personal stories about my pregnancy/labor and my life since then.