Wake-Up Call

So it's been a long time since I've written a blog. To be honest, I haven't felt like I had anything interesting to write and I was feeling discouraged that no one would ever find me interesting enough to read about. I think I'm realizing now that this blog is for me. I just need somewhere I can be completely honest and not worry about any consequences.

So, I got called into my boss's office the week before Christmas and endured a very difficult meeting that I was very ashamed of. I was told that my attitude has declined towards my job so much, that if not corrected, I could be let go. My job performance is still very good, but it is obvious how much I detest my job. I couldn't deny it or get defensive, because I knew it was true. I have been in this funk about my job for at least a year and have been unable to make heads or tails as to why. If I'm being honest, it's really been since I returned to work after the twins were born. I don't like my job, that is not a lie. I'm tired of it, tired of customer service. I need something new, something challenging. It's more than that though. I feel trapped. I resent the fact that I have to work full time while I pay someone else to watch my kids. I feel like I am missing out on so much in my little boys' lives. I don't see how it will ever be an option to not work full time and my little men are already 2. I have freinds who are fortunate enough to get to stay home with their kids. I am so jealous of that. I know that they make sacrifices to do that, but I feel those sacrifices must be so much more worth it compared to my sacrifice of working full time, to still not make ends meet. That's right, my hubby & I both work full time and we still don't have enough to pay our bills. We have pretty much struggled financially for our entire marriage and I am so over it. I can't help but feel like it is never going to get better. So, what to do? How do I change my attitude about my job? I think about trying to move to another department, trying something new, but will that really work? Will I just end up back in this funk? I hate that I feel this way and hate more that I don't know how to fix it. Mostly I hate that I seem to have lost hope.