Some Things Never Change

As a teen and young adult, I constantly struggled with issues of self-worth and lack of confidence. I have never felt particularly pretty and have struggled with feeling "freakishly tall". Fortunately, as I have gotten older, I have thought less and less about these kind of things. Perhaps it is because I have a husband who seems to love me regardless or maybe it is because I am often too busy to worry about these petty things.

Unfortunately for me, my lack of confidence has reared its ugly head again, and not in a place I would expect it to. For awhile now, I have been a volunteer on our worship team at church. Singing at church is nothing new to me. I started singing in the children's choir at my parents church when I was 5. I continued on through high school and even joined the adult choir for a few years. Then I kind of stopped attending church on a regular basis. It was a few months after Caleb was born that we were invited to the Church we now call home. I was immediately taken with the contemporary worship style. Where I was used, to choirs growing up, this church has a band. I remember thinking how I would love to get up there and sing praises with them. I also remember thinking I could never be as good as the people that were already up there doing it. It took me a long time to even talk to anyone about trying out. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I wanted to make sure it wasn't about me, but about using the voice God gave me to bring Him praise. So I had my audition and it went well. I was told I would start out by singing with the praise team for awhile before I would do any solo work. This was a great start for me. It was kind of like being in a choir, albeit a small one. Still, it helped me to get used to being on the stage. I found it amazing that I would be pretty nervous during practice, but then we would sing during the service and I would be blown away by the congregation and hearing them worshipping with us. It never ceased to amaze me that my nerves would disappear as soon as they started singing with us.

After singing with praise team for a solid year & a half to two years, I felt ready to be challenged again. I approached Kerri, our worship leader at the time, and told her I would like to do more than just praise team. A month later, she had me on the schedule to sing with her. I was so excited. Then it was rehearsal time. I had gotten used to singing the same harmonies that Kerri would sing during services. When it came to singing with her, I needed to learn different parts, so as not to constantly double her part. I got really frustrated because I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I started having these bad feelings of doubt. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. I even talked to her after practice and told her I would understand if she never scheduled me again. She was very nice and reassuring about it. It ended up being fine and I started to get more comfortable. She always scheduled me to sing with her, so she was kind of a buffer for me. She sang the main harmonies and I was a back up to her, sometimes even singing melody when I didn't know what part to sing. I didn't get much direction on what was "right or wrong", but I felt pretty decent about what I was doing. I still had my monents of insecurities, but when things went well, it was so worth it.

Fast forward to last spring. Our worship leader announced she would be moving away. Our new worship leader, Dave,  had been a volunteer for over 10 years and I happen to be in the same small group with him. I was excited to see what changes he would make, and looked forward to getting more opportunities to sing, since Kerri would be leaving a pretty big hole. So, I started getting scheduled, sometimes as the only female singer up there at a time. I was thrilled and scared at the opportunity. Standing center stage and trying hard not to let all my insecurities show. I don't want people to focus on the fact that I look nervous, or worse yet that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be used by God as a tool for worship. I've been having a tough time. Dave has made some great changes and has an amazing passion and talent.  He challenges us with doing songs that haven't been done in a long time, or brand new songs. This does cause me difficulty though, because there are so many songs I don't know. I listen to the recordings and try to hear the harmonies, that a lot of times just don't come to me. I get so frustrated with myself, because I want to do a good job. I don't want to be dragging the worship team down because I can't keep up. I have been looking at it that God is doing a great job of keeping me humble. I just wish I could feel more confident and not so afraid to ask for help when I am struggling to keep up.

I love to sing. It is one of my favorite things to be able to do. I know there are many people out there that have much more talent than I do. Still, I think God gave me a decent voice and I want to use it for His glory. Still, I wonder if I am going about this all wrong.