Wednesday, June 20, 2012
This is where I am
Where are you? This is a question posed by one of the guys in my small group. There has been an enormous amount of spiritual growth throughout our small group, especially over the past few months. We have a blog and he wanted us all to post "where we are" on our spiritual journey. He thinks we are all on the same track. I admit this makes me feel ashamed. I am not there with the group. I feel like I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. It's not a fun feeling. I feel guilt, I feel worthless. I know that I am not putting the time in. I am not stopping and taking time alone with God. I feel stalled spiritually. I know the problem is me. I feel like I hardly ever have time to myself, so why should I have to give up that little time that I do get? I am selfish. I know that I have it so much better than so many people. I am not "owed" me time. Still, I struggle to put my selfishness aside. After a full day of work and coming home to my family, I am beat by the time the kids go to bed. My brain is typically checked out. Getting up a little earlier in the morning would probably be the best solution, but I have a hard enough time getting up on time in the morning. I am always tired. I think the bigger issue though, is that I just don't have the desire. I want a closer relationship with God without putting the time in. I know it makes no more sense than wanting to make money without working for it. Unfortunately, this is where I am. Stalled - unable to get motivated. I've been here for a long time and honestly don't know how to get myself moving again. It is hard to admit to my group that I am not with them. I'm so happy for those that have grown spiritually, but truth be told, I am also intimidated by them. I can't keep up and I don't even know where to start.
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If you need me to help you get up earlier I'm game. I'm usually up the first time your alarm goes off so by the 67th time when you finally get up I'll have gotten you up and you'll have your extra time and I won't have an alarm going off from 4:30am to 6:30am :-)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though, I know where you're coming from. I am probably going to post something very similar on the groups blog just to throw it out there and be honest about it. I don't want the group thinking everyone is on the same page when clearly we're not and if someone stands up and says otherwise maybe someone who is in the same boat (not directed at you) will agree and say so. If not everyone will know where I stand. I'm here to help in anyway possible!
btw, that was supposed to be a smiley face at the end of the first paragraph... :-)
ReplyDeleteMy blog is public, but I don't think any of them read it. You can mention my blog if you want when you write your blog on the group site. That way you can show we are both in this not so great place spiritually.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you nudging me awake will do anything for my mood when I wake up in the morning. I'm sorry my alarm going off bothers you. It is not intentional.